I spent 90% of my day alone in my thoughts. I like to keep to myself but at the same time, I have so much conversation going on in the clouds of my brain I tend to get a little bottled up, crazy...
I don't miss having 'friends' but I do miss knowing who I can trust and converse with - it's a hard thing, that trust. One minute someone is listening to your goals and dreams and the next minute they are a closet monster, only out to burn those dreams to the ground and drown the ashes in nearby lake. Fortunately, I am becoming more and more aware of who is fake and who is not... really only need to watch them for five minutes to know. Are you going to be my friend or are you going to say that and gossip about me or my family behind our back? Or just be our friend and use us for whatever you need to get by? Honestly, if you want to say something negative, just say it. If you just need something, just ask and move on. Why bother holding things in? That is probably another reason I don't get along with too many people... I have a hard time just holding things in.
But there are people I trust and love. Another thing, I don't like to bother people. I feel like a burden sometimes so I do a lot on my own. A lot of research and reading; testing and observing Which, in some cases it has paid off and in other cases, not so much. Which has brought me another two steps back because I don't dare try to get involved with anything anymore. Why bother? Someone else can do it.
I'm tired, though. It could be the never-ending winter or pure boredom. I really want to... I don't even know what I want to do. Be motivated? Self-motivated, even. I want to help the husband finish paying off debt, but working is almost impossible unless it is the exact thing my brain can handle for hours on end. I wish I had a fun hobby, I mean, I do... but this weather just stinks. I guess I'm kind of tired of reading books. Is that sad? I read, read, read but then... it's over and I need to find something else to read.
I need something to do.
Someone to talk to.
Something, anything....
